7.35pm, you told me that you went out with your colleague to town for a while.
( It's already in my expectation. I already knew that you will go out with them since you told me that your colleague came and find you.)
9.22pm, you told me that you're on the way back home.
(I waited for you to reach home and accompany me.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Started calling you after half an hour you told me that you're on the way back. I called more than 10 calls, BUT you never answer my call. My tears started dropped because of worry. BUT you don't know.
I sent you a message. I said, LAST CALL and call you again... Still the same, you didn't pick up.
You called me back after a few minutes.You told me that you're driving, can't pick up the phone. I was very angry. Do you know why? Because I'm worry about you. I scared!
I just put the phone after you told me this.
You sent me a message.
"What happened to you?"
( Is't important that anything happened on me? Will you care if something happened on me? Do you really care? No... You won't care. So, nothing happened on me. Now nothing, same as in the future. There wont be anything happened on me anymore.)
"Dear, Don't like that, Okay? You're important."
( Important? I don't think so. For you, what are in front of you, they are the most important. And now, what in front of you are your friends, your colleagues and also your job BUT not me. I'm not in front of you. You can't see me.)
"Don't think like that."
(It's not I want to think like that. These are what I saw, and what I can feel. Try to think of it. The time before and after you went to Sabah. Any changes on us? The time before and after you start work, any changes on us? Try to find a quiet place and think about it. Try to think back before and now..)
Never replied...
Call again... But still, you never pick up.
11.19pm,
" Give me 5 minutes"
After half an hour, you called me. You asked me to wait a while AGAIN because you want to take bath. Tears dropped non-stop again. I fall asleep because I too tired. You called me again. Your call wake me up. The moment I want to pick up, you already decline. So, I call you back.
When you pick up, the first question you asked me was, " Are you cried just now?" I said no. "Then why your voice became like that?" " ...I'm not feeling well." I said.
I don't want to admit that I cried because I asked myself to be tough and strong. I don't want to cry in front of you anymore. I don't want you know that I cried again. Maybe you knew that I cried but still act that you don't know.
" Why are you always like that? Why you never think of me? Why you repeat the same thing again? Do you know that I'm waiting for you? Do you know that I'm waiting for you although I'm tired? Do you think of me? Do you care me? Do you know that I'm tired? Why can you treat me like that? Can you look on me? Can you care me? Can you care my feeling?" I cried and said. You trying to stop me from saying these things and cry. But you failed.
" Do you really know what I want? When I need someone to accompany, who can I look for? When I need someone to talk to, who can be m listener? When I need someone to accompany me for lunch, who willing to accompany me? When I'm alone, I hope someone beside me, but anyone? When I want to cry, who borrow me his/her shoulder? The answer is NO! I always alone!" I said.
"Where is your friend?" you asked.
" Friends? Since the day you know me, did you see I had any friend that can last long? I scared of it! The same thing repeat again! Once I very close to someone, he/she will start to ignore me without any reason. I scared the feeling! I don't want the feeling. Sometime, I hope that I just alone. I don't want to feel the hard feeling. Get it, then lost it again! Repeat and repeat! I was tired with it! I'm just a human! I felt tired! Do you know? Every time I talk to you, I always hope that you can ask me how am I today BUT you never ask. Monday, the actual day of ambassador. I was waiting for you to say add oil to me BUT you never say it until I ask you. Do you know I really upset? Do you know that?"I said.
"You never say anything how I know what happened on you?" you said.
" Can you ask? Can you ask me? Why must I tell everything to you although you didn't ask? Why should I tell you everything although you didn't ask? Why is it like I ask then only I get it? Why you can't tell me and give me what I want automatically? Why I need to ask for it?"I said.
" Something changed me after I started work." you said.
" I more miss the time when you haven go Sabah. I miss the time. If I can turn back the time, I won't let you go. You're cold blood. You still leave me here although I cried every single night before you went to Sabah. I hope you not going to Sabah. Don't leave me here. I asked you try to change place but you never do that."I said.
" Can you think? Think of future. Look at future. I want to learn something different. I want to see something different.It's for our future."you said.
"Stop! Don't tell me this is for our future!" I said.
"Think about it! What I want now is future, I need someone who can give me the feel just like husband and wife. Just like your dad and your mum, just like my mum and my dad. Mature. I want someone who are mature. Can think of me. Can respect me. Think of our future but not only now. Do you understand? The reason why now only I tell you all this because I have no any word to describe what I want. But now, I got it.I know what I want after I started work." you said.
"Sorry I'm not the one you saying. I'm selfish. I want someone who can accompany me. I need someone who can care me more."I said.
"I already scared of it. Like before, I spend all my time to my ex, but what I get at last? What I get is only bye bye. That's why now, I want to do what ever I want."you said.
" Is it fair to me? I also tired with it! I spend everything for ex! What I get? Still get scold by people! I give freedom to them, they betray me. I tight them, they said I dun give freedom! What you guys wan me to do? What you all want? I'm tired with it!"I said.
"..."you keep quiet.
We stop talking. I already cried until I can breath! So we stop this topic.
You ask me to sleep in a soft way. My tears still can't stop until I fall asleep.
A hundred thousand million SORRY to my dear.
Sorry because I'm not the gf that you want me to be.
Sorry that I'm selfish.
Sorry that I have no confidence on myself.
Sorry that I always cry.
Sorry that U never try to be a good girlfriend who should understand you, know you well.
Sorry for everything.
From now on,
I will try to be the girlfriend that you want me to be.
I will do my best to change.
I will try to sleep alone without your accompany.
I will think of future.
I will try no have confidence on myself.
I will try not to cry because of you.
I will do my best to be the one who you want.
I will do my best to do everything without you.
You must REMEMBER,
Remember that I love you.... Always....
